What size box of condoms do you never want to buy?

The family size.

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What do you call a Cloyster that wants to learn the move Rain Dance?

The clam before the storm!

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

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Why do people buy fruit already cut up?

There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.

Which phone??

Person 1 : Suggest me a good phone to buy nowadays. Person 2 : Microsoft Lumia 950 XL is good for winters, will keep you warm. Very warm. Person 1 : So what about summers then? Person 2 : Same, it freezes often as well

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What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?

Your parents would know!

What are the most useless items ever invented?

A: Condoms. If you need one, she's too old.