Buy Jokes

A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.

How much does it cost to buy multiple prosthetic limbs?

An arm and a leg.

What does the customer say to the worker as he leaves the store after buying a discounted item?

Good buy.

What is the worst place to have the "you break it, you buy it" rule?

The pet store

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

The fun guy

Where's the best place to buy jive cheese?

Monterey, Jack!

How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?

Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.

Why did the gamer cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

What did the duck say to the cashier after buying some red lipstick?

Just put it on my bill

Why should you never buy golf equiptment made in New Jersey?

Because New Jersey drivers are terrible

Where do crows go to buy groceries?

Kroger

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

Where is the best place in town to buy marijuana?

High Street, of course.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because he wanted to... "Get along little doggy"

Why did the Eagle go to store to buy some Rogaine?

To cover up his bald spot.

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

What is the driest soda you can buy?

Baking soda.

Where do you buy a baby?

Hole Foods.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

How is food purchased an an Irish grocery?

You buy it per-tater

What do you call a tuber that buys his girlfriend chocolates?

A sweet potato.

What do 50 cent hot dogs have in common with lumber?

Two buy four.

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

Why was the Muslim sad when he bought a pirated disc?

Because the Disc was cracked

What did the pedophiliac rabbi say to the young boy?

Hey there little boy, you wanna BUY some candy?

How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard-of-hearing?

HEY!!! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!?!

How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

pause....) WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN??!! (SHOUTING)

Why didnt Craig buy Anne Franks shoes on Ebay for 2000$ ?

They were Holo-costly

Where do military chaplains buy their regalia?

At the army surplice store.

Where do Year 1 Guardians buy their clothes?

Twilight Gap

What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy?

Uniball

How do you sell a deaf guy a frog?

DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG? rip.

What do you call a law enforcement agency that refuses to buy it's own vehicles?

The pro-lease department

Which phone??

Person 1 : Suggest me a good phone to buy nowadays. Person 2 : Microsoft Lumia 950 XL is good for winters, will keep you warm. Very warm. Person 1 : So what about summers then? Person 2 : Same, it freezes often as well

What do you call two Canadians buy coffee?

Double double doubles

What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him?

Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?"

Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

at the stock market

How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?

HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!

Why did the storm trooper decide to buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the right droid he was looking for.

Where does an octopus go to buy shoes?

Inke

Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?

Amazon.

Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?

Antiquing.

Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

Why don't you buy Ukrainian underwear?

Because cher-nob'll fall out

What's the first thing a redneck buys when going to a family reunion?

Condoms.

This joke may have profanity.

Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe?

More doors.

Why did the junkie walk into the pet store?

To buy some quack croakaine!

Why did Jon Snow buy an athletic cup?

For the crotch.

Where do hipsters buy their clothes?

Most likely a thrift store or Urban Outfitters, TBH.

What's the best part about buying dishes that are made in Mexico?

They wash themselves.

Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings?

He wanted more Monet in his wallet.

How do you buy hair?

You have toupee

Why don't you buy your wife a watch?

There's already a clock on the stove

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

How can you tell if you bought lube from Tumblr?

Because it Lubri-Can't Even!

What do aliens use to buy their coffee?

starbucks

Why do all the best golfers keeping buying socks?

They get a hole in one!

How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

Go to England and buy something

Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan?

At the infideli counter.

How does Moses get his coffee?

He buys it from Starbucks...

How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

The toothfairy.

What's dumber than a box of rocks?

The hippie carrying it. What's dumber than that? The yuppie buying it. What's dumber than that? The box of rocks

What's the most terrifying gift your SO/Family can buy for you?

Reddit gold.

How many black people does it take to change a light bulb?

Seriously, I gotta figure out how many slaves I need to buy

Where can Sihks and Muslims buy headwear?

Turban Outfitters.

What size box of condoms do you never want to buy?

The family size.

Where do dead people buy their cigarettes?

At the coroner store.

How do hipsters buy their drugs?

by the instagram.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Where does Jane Fonda buy her groceries?

Traitor Joe's.

Where does the CIA buy its groceries?

Whole Foods

Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies?

Pencilvania.

Why did the Ferguson protesters not participate in Black Friday?

Because they have already looted everything they would have bought anyway.

What's that again?

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'