Which kid is mine?

I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."

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What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult?

Molestation.

What did the robot say to the gas pump?

Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!" I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.

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What does a drug addict like to do in their free time?

Netflix and pills :D

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

Because they don't like conventional ovens.

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Why "hooters"?

Who decided breasts looked like owls They were wrong.

Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?

Cuz they got tired of Stalin.

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Why the long pause?

asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"

How's life?

she asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."