Which kid is mine?

I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."

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How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural selection.

Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies?

Their kids would be too lazy to steal.

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Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire?

A Snowman.

What do you call a smart knife?

Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.

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Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas?

They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept?

How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative.

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How do you get a woman to stop texting you?

Reply to her message within a minute

What are we going to do?

The other replied "Quick turn the car into a side street."