What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

Two fingers.

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What light through yonder window breaks?

ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.

What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife?

Oh, you don't know I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.

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Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?

She heard about his second coming

What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse?

They both came in a little behind.

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What can a monster do that you can't do?

Count up to 25 on his fingers.

What are sardines?

A little fish that smells like fingers.

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What did Sting say to his proctologist?

Don't stand so close to me.

What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer?

Can I push your stool in?