Second Jokes

Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure

Why isn't Bernie Sanders campaigning in OKC?

They're both eliminated and finished second in their conference.

What is a Muslim womans favorite amendment?

The second (right to bare arms)

How long does it take for a Homeless man's stomach to be full?

A couple of seconds.

Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read?

Because it's re-fined!

Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?

I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The second telephone.

Why should you separate something into 62 parts if you want to make it tiny?

Because sixty-seconds=minute.

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?

It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called?

One second mom, I'm coming!

Why is Dubya voting Republican this year?

So he'll only be the second worst president ever.

What did the man who ate a clock say?

That was time consuming but I still want seconds.

Why did the monkey fall of the tree?

Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.

What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop?

The second hand shop.

What do you have when you are having second thoughts about your booking on Native American land?

Reservation reservation reservations.

How do we know Jesus was a man?

We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.

What is the difference between a feminist and a machist?

The second lacks the hypocrisy of the first.

What is a joke that only makes sense in your own regional dialect/accent?

Sorry for a post that's not a joke but I'm interested. Here's one from where I am. These two ducks are flying over Ballymena. The first one says, "quack quack" and the second one says, "slow down! I'm coming as quack as I cyan."

What did the first airplane engine say to the second airplane engine?

Are we there soon?" "Not jet."

What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second?

A bull-ette.

What do a marriage and superglue have in common?

They both form a bond in seconds, last (ideally) forever, and are dissolved by alcohol.

What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo?

The second coming of Jess.

What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

How many seconds are there in a day in Africa?

Seconds? They barely get firsts!

What did the first stop light say to the second stop light?

Don't look I'm changing

What do you call the vehicle used to carry Henry VIII's second wife to the hospital?

An Anne-Boleyn-ce.

Which is the worst hand to lose?

The second one.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

What did the fly say to the second man on the moon?

Buzz.....

Who is the coolest guy in the Hospital?

A. The Ultra Sound guy. Q. Who is the second coolest? A. The Hip replacement dude.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!

What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

Two fingers.

How many seconds are in a year?

Only 12. One for every month.

What's three times worse than OCD?

OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...

How long does a dog's bark last?

ly a second.

What do you call a second hand gold necklace?

Recyc-bling (I'm pretty sure I thought of this myself but I used to smoke the Mary Jane a lot so......)

What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon?

The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from .

How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to do it, a second to keep yelling, "You're lookin' BIG, man!"

How did the hour and minute hands of the clock get cancer?

Second hand smoking! My own joke that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Time to see how it goes haha.

What do a priest and a swimmer who came in second have in common?

The both came in a little behind

What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?

A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!

How did the Catholic Priest finish the marathon?

He was second to Nun.

Why are Catholics the worst drivers?

They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).

What's the second fastest thing in the world?

What's fastest thing in the world?

What do you call it when you build a second portal on minecraft?

Anether(another) Nether

What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest?

The constellation prize.

Who do you sell second hand bikes to?

A re-cyclist.

What did the first lesbian vampire say to the second lesbian vampire?

See you next month.

What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years?

Second gear.

What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon?

The second m is silent.

What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting out of the bed!

Who is that walking up my driveway?

Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."

What's the difference between a good joke and a woman?

The good joke doesn't get a black eye when you tell it a second time.

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?

She heard about his second coming

How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break.

What did the big hairy monster do when he lost a hand?

He went to the second-hand shop.

What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?

A: Don't look I'm changing!!

What 3 books would you have on a desert island?

ME: My first book is more books. F: What These aren't wish M: Second book's a TV.

What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

How do you trap an elephant?

You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.