Second Jokes

Who came in first?

The over easy egg because it was really runny. How about second The over medium egg because it was only a little runny. And last That would be the baked egg.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Who succeeded the first President of the USA ?

The second one !

What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse?

They both came in a little behind.

What does a priest and a second place runner have in common?

NSFW) They both came in a little behind.

This joke may have profanity.

What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison?

Ancestry.com

What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?

Second Caribou: A maybee.

What's the fastest animal in the world?

A chicken crossing Ethiopia. What's the second fastest animal ... The ethiopian chasing it.

When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

What's Gordon Ramsey's second favorite movie?

FROZE-- oh, nevermind.

What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist?

30 of them are triggered every second

What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?

Second fella says "A kilt of course!" First fella "What's the tartin " "She's wearing white" says his pal

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What do you call the second-most hated politician in America?

Madam President.

When did your parents divorce?

ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

What's the reason my shower isn't working?

You have only one second to guess the answer. No pressure.

What do you call a second grader with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor

Why do women love Jordan Spieth?

Because he came second.

Why is your brother always flying off the handle ?

Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose !

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

Which bug gobbles up trash?

Second Caribou: The litterbug.

What is your reason for divorce?

She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'

What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts?

Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.

What did he name the second one?

Hose B

What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot?

Second Caribou: Micky Moth!

What's worse?

Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else

What's white and sticky?

What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds . The second coming of the Lord

What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.

Which 2 Birthdays go by the quickest?

the twenty second ones and the thirty second ones

How'd the monkey fall out of the tree. He was dead. How'd the next second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the first monkey! How'd the Third monkey fall out of the tree. Peer Pressure.

What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop?

Disappointed.

Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.

What was Dr Frankenstein's second job?

He was a body-builder

Why did the kid fall out of the tree?

I shot him Why did the second kid fall out I stapled them together Why did the third kid fall out Peer pressure

How did the clock get cancer?

Second-hand smoke!

Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was More ER Tea.

How many seconds are there in a year?

Twelve

Where is your mother from?

The second Eskimo says "Alaska."

Why are 490 Romans are funny ?

Because XD Edit : Sorry about the typo the second are is not supposed to be here

How many redditors does it take to make a good joke?

Three. One to post it, the second to post a better punchline in the comments, and the third to complain that it's a repost.

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to get it 95% done, and the second to give it the twist at the end.

Who will take the second shot in this pool game?

Find out after the break.

What do you call the first migrant off the boat?

Amhere What do you call the second migrant off the boat Amhere Azwel What do you call the third migrant off the boat Amhere Azwell Azhim

What takes longer to run, first to second, or second to third?

Second to third, because there's a short stop in the middle!

Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?

To go to the second hand shop

Why is food better than men?

Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

How was the movie?

Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!

What is 10 years with me?

Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

Why is Italy's birth rate decreasing?

Because they pull out at the last second.

What is Tigger's favorite day?

Leap Day, but Spring Forward is a close second.

How many kids do you think Wolverine has?

Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.

Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant?

The Sioux chef

How do you know your boyfriend loves you?

SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.

What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?

That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)

What is a Catholic priest's dream second job?

Warden at juvenile detention center.

Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back four seconds.

How many seconds are in a year?

12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

Two guys walk into a bar . . .

The first guy says "Ouch!" and the second says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."

You might also enjoy:

Second Hand Shop Jokes More Second Hand Shop Jokes

What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop?

Disappointed.

Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?

To go to the second hand shop

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

Why did you name your son Tinnitus?

I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.

What do Godot and my wife have in common?

Both are French.

10 Year Jokes More 10 Year Jokes

What is 10 years with me?

Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

Adam Jokes More Adam Jokes

How do we know Adam &amp Eve weren't black?

You ever tried taking a rib from a black man

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A. They really raised Cain.

Husband Jokes More Husband Jokes

Who does he look like?

I'm like, 'Your husband'

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend 45 minutes

Million Year Jokes More Million Year Jokes

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes eight million years.

What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.

Dead Body Jokes More Dead Body Jokes

What do you call a person who sleeps next to dead bodies at night?

Morgue Attendant

How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?

Cats

Special Olympics Jokes More Special Olympics Jokes

What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics?

Not being retarded

What's better than getting gold in the Special Olympics ?

Being normal.