What is the best stand-up routine of our time?

I nominate Chris Rock's Never Scared.

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Stand Jokes More Stand Jokes

How do you give a time-out to a Mexican child?

Have him stand against a wall.

What do college students and deer have in common?

A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

Time to try the udder one."

Nominate Jokes More Nominate Jokes

What's the real reason Lego Movie didn't get nominated for an Oscar?

They thought it was called "The Leo Movie".

Why did the farmer get nominated for an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field. Why didn't the farmer make it to the award ceremony Because he was out standing in his field.