Time Jokes

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

What did the time traveler say at the birthday party?

I'd tell you happy birthday, but to me, you've been dead for centuries

What does a time traveler do when he's hungry?

He goes back 4 seconds.

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How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day?

Because Russia was Stalin

How did Genghis Khan conquer Mongolia?

One steppe at a time.

Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

Who is Superman's brother?

Supperman. Or his kid Soup-erman. One just gets to dinner on time and the other is really good and making soup. E: I thought of it in it in a dream so thats why its not so good

How do you get to a position of power in a science lab?

Work over time

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What time of day was Adam born?

Just a little before Eve

What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball?

A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.

This joke may have profanity.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time?

Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

What is the longest movie of all time?

8 mile

Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?

It saves so much time.

What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user??

Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time )

What do you call a none in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile I'm not sorry (PS, if this is a repost, I'm sorry that I didn't see the first time it got posted 2 years ago. Please don't accuse me of reposting)

What do you call a Time Machine that can only travel to one location in time?

The RE-tardis

Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing

What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why do women love chocolate?

Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.

Why was the Gungan sent back in time by the Weeping Angel?

He Jar Jar Blinked.

Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time?

MC Escher

How many times can look at the sun with a telescope?

You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!

What do you call an Asian who's tolerable some of the time?

Occasionally (OK Asian Lee).

What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much?

Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty

What does Reddit and Dating have in common?

It wastes your time and you walk away with either tears or a slight chuckle.

What's angry most of the time and wants you to stick something hard in it?

An outlet

Why did the student fail the exam?

Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin

Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation?

He needed some time to himself to decompose.

What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?

The Millenial Falcon.

What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

Why doesn't anyone ever add Paul Walker on Xbox?

He spends all of his time on the dashboard.

Which area of Zelda: Ocarina of time uses the most resources?

The long long farm.

How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

The screen stays black when you check the time.

What is the motto of the French navy?

To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

What's worse than the Holocaust?

Winning the jackpot in two separate lotteries at the same time.

How do you tell the time in the US?

By looking at a bomb

What us the difference between white, brown and black people?

The time God took to cook us

Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper?

Because you lose every time you talk about him ( )

Who was the dankest dictator of all time?

LMao Zedong

Why do some writers have a hard time graphing equations?

because they spend too much time with the x-position

Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?

Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)

Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

Because he doesn't know the time of day.

Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

What do you call a spy that likes to spend time with his son?

James Bonding bah dun tss

Who are the fastest readers of all time?

9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 15 seconds

What time of day is it in France right now?

Mourning

Why does the French flag have Velcro?

So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

What happened to the Mexican after he took heroin for the third time?

He over 'd

Where's the best place to hide an elephant?

Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?