Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

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Why did the hipster burn his tongue drinking tea?

Because he didn't wait for it to be cool.

Why don't witches like The Keg?

Because it's always burned at the stake

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How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

Doctor Dolittle

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Why couldn't the 5 year old go to the pirate movie?

It was rated PG-13.

Who can watch an R rated movie but not a PG?

Batman

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What does every Tickle Me Elmo receive before it leaves the factory?

Two testicles.

Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar?

Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss