How can you get four suits for under $2.00?

Buy a deck of cards.

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Why is it hard to buy potatoes on the black market?

Because there are eyes everywhere!

What do aliens use to buy their coffee?

starbucks

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Which actor is best suited for a programmer role?

Dev Patel.

Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

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What's Bernie Sanders favorite Christmas Carols?

deck the halls with boughs of free cash

How do you test a pirate for crabs?

Swab the deck!

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Where the hell did you get?

the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

Why cant you play cards on a rowboat?

Because you're sitting on the deck...