How do you save a suicidal procrastinator?

Tell them it can probably wait 'til tomorrow.

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Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

How do you save a Republican from drowning?

Take your foot off of their head.

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Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it's two gross! (A gross is a measurement unit for "144". So 2 * 144 = 288. Or "two gross".)

What do you call a snowman who cons people?

A snowfake.

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What's the procrastinator's favorite song?

Tooomorrow, tomorrow, I love yah, tomorrow.." (You're always a day away)

How do you make a dumb person curious?

I'll tell you tomorrow...

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What is the hardest part about firing a black man?

Waiting for him to show up.

What is a guy who rubs bear toes called?

Rob...wait for it... erto! Rubeartoe!