What did the green onion say to the Thanksgiving dinner?

I ain't no chive, Turkey."

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How do you keep your Thanksgiving guests from falling asleep on your couch?

Infuse the gravy with cocaine.

What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin Happy Thanksgiving!

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What did the turkey say when he accidentally bumped into the president?

Pardon me.

How long do you need to put the turkey in the oven for?

Mine was dead within 30 minutes (credit goes to my Grandma)

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What did the mathematician say after Thanksgiving dinner?

1)/8"

What's the best part of having Miley Cyrus over for thanksgiving dinner?

Unlimited twerky