What do ISIS want for Christmas?

Turkey, apparently.

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How many livers do people have?

I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads?

She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

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What did the hobo get for Christmas?

Nothing.

What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?

They both have Sandy Claws.

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Why is ISIS going after programs?

Because they are executable

How do you tell the difference between members of the GOP and ISIS?

Skin color.

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How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Why don't turkey vultures ever lose their luggage?

They only ...