Why are the new iPhones so skinny?

To match their hipster owners' jeans.

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Why can't Helen Keller use an iPhone?

Because she's dead.

What did Nokia's executives say when the iPhone launched?

We're Finnished."

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What is your favorite thing the new iPhone can do?

Mine is distract me from my own mortality

How many bites out of the new iPhone did Tim Cook take?

16, 32, 64, and 128

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Why does a bride wear white?

So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

Why did the wrestlers have to fight in the dark?

A: Their match wouldn't light.