Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?

He's trying to watch his sodium intake.

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Why did the duck get kicked out of church?

Because he was using fowl language!

How does a hipster measure out his drugs?

Using instagrams.

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What did one ovary say to the other one?

What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

What do you call a quadruple amputee trying to swim?

Bob. Same guy laying on the floor Matt. Same guy hanging on the wall Art. Same guy in a mailbox Bill.

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Why should you never watch a movie with a generous Nascar driver?

He might give away spoilers!

What Is The Best Sub Reddit To See Once Watching "Gods Of Egypt?

r/EyeBleach.

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Why did the gamer refuse to join the Boy Scouts?

He hates camping

What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

They both hate the French press

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What are you going to be when you get out of school?

An old man!

What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.