Old Man Jokes

Why did the old man get kicked off the nudist colony's golf course?

He kept leaving ball marks on the greens.

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Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?

He's trying to watch his sodium intake.

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

What do you call an old man whose retarded?

Bernie Sanders!!

Why doesn't an old man ever go down on his old wife?

Ever opened a grilled-cheese sandwich?

What do call an old man that asks questions?

Pop Quiz

What do you call an old man's hard on?

Petrified wood.

What was the old man in despair about?

Nothing.

Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?

To keep them from rolling out of bed

This joke may have profanity.

Why did the old man throw the matress out the window?

Dementia

How do u find an old man in the dark?

Its not that hard

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Why do old men need Viagra?

Because they are screwing old women!

This joke may have profanity.

What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.

Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?

He couldn't stand all the racket!

Why do old men take Viagra?

It stops them from rolling out of bed.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call an older man who goes after young boys?

Nittany Lions

What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it?

An old man yelling at the cloud

What do old men and the Niagara Falls have in common?

Just receding.

What did the woman from Finland say after seeing an old man fall in the water, knowing he couldn't swim?

Oh no, Helsinki! He Finnish!"

Why don't old men like old women?

Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich

Why did the old man buy his wig at the thrift store?

Because he didn't want toupee.

How do you find an old man in the dark?

It isn't hard.

How do you find and old man in the dark?

Just feel around. It's not hard.

What are you going to be when you get out of school?

An old man!

What's the real reason old men take Viagra?

So they don't roll out of bed!

This joke may have profanity.

What did the old man get for his birthday?

Cancer.

What do you call an old man selling plums?

An entrepruner.

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Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?

To one you say, "Hey you, get off my cloud!" The other: "Hey McLoed, get off my ewe!"

Despair Jokes More Despair Jokes

What was the old man in despair about?

Nothing.

Why was the Mexican tire sad?

Because it was despair

Pop Quiz Jokes More Pop Quiz Jokes

What do call an old man that asks questions?

Pop Quiz

What do you call a multiple choice dad joke?

A pop quiz.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?

Your mom.

Why can't Helen Keller use an iPhone?

Because she's dead.

Dementia Jokes More Dementia Jokes

How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

What do you call a grocery store for people with dementia?

Question Mart.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand?

You always think you're right!"

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How do you spell ichael?

The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

Why did the college student ask for a refund on his student loan?

Because his *degree* didn't work!

Dark Jokes More Dark Jokes

Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!

Why did the sauce need a night light?

Because he was alfredo the dark!