How do you find a dirty cop?

Call 911, it doesn't matter who answers

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Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?

They don't find them Hume-erous.

How many babies does it take to stop a puck?

Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

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Why didn't the conspiracy theorist make his irreverently named pet sleep outside?

Because 9/11 was an inside dog.

What's worse than 9/11?

311 Credit goes to my friend Max.

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What is the difference between a refrigerator and a one foot tall man painting the side of a house?

Answer: On a quantum level, there is no difference.

What do you call it when a prayer is answered?

A coincidence.

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Why does government matter?

It doesn't.

How many members of Linkin Park does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, cuz in the end it doesn't even matter!!!