How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?

One in Fife

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Who else is watching and laughing their a$$ off?

Turns out Martha Stewart is a boss

What's the similarity between Bruce Jenner and a Pharaoh?

At some point they turned into Mummys

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What do Japanese people do during an erection?

They go to the polls and vote.

Why can't Bernie Sanders win the election?

Because 12 year olds can't vote. Edit: I'm actually somewhat of a Bernie supporter, I'm just joking about how he has a lot of youth backing him.

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Why do Scots wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.

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Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?

A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."

How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?

One in Fife