What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?

Wet.

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Where do safari animals buy their groceries?

From the supermeerkat

Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?

I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

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Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?

When it's raining cats and dogs !

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

What is the Taliban's favorite holiday footwear?

Missile Toe!