What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?

Wet.

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Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

What do you call it when you buy stocks of a clothing company?

A good in-vest-ment

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Why do people carry umbrellas?

Because umbrellas cant walk.

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

For drizzle.

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Why did Dracula's mother give him cough syrup?

Because Dracula was coffin. Source: A Laffy Taffy wrapper.

What is the Taliban's favorite holiday footwear?

Missile Toe!