What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?

Wet.

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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

How many Android users does it take to buy an iPhone?

Zero. Apple doesn't accept EBT.

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Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?

Fo da drizzle.

Why do the English always carry umbrellas?

Because umbrellas can't walk

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Why does Neville Longbottom like herbology so much?

Because his parents are vegetables.

What's the difference between a girl's track team and a bunch of pigs?

One's a group of cunning runts...