Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones?

He wanted to buy stock options.

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Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens?

She didn't want to litter

What do ghosts watch if they want to relax?

Skelly-vision!

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What, I'm Asian?

slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks* *buys a bonsai tree*

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?

A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

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How does the chef prepare the chicken?

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

Why was the pilot jealous of the chef?

Because of his ground thyme.

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How did Jack grow his portfolio?

He invested in beanstocks!

Why did the investor invest in exercise equipment?

Because it was worth the weight!