Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones?

He wanted to buy stock options.

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What does a spider want to be when he grows up?

This is really good guys...brace yourselves..........) A web designer.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

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What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples?

Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra."

How can you tell if you bought lube from Tumblr?

Because it Lubri-Can't Even!

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How does the chef prepare the chicken?

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme. Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

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Where do birds invest their money ?

In the stork market !

Why should you never invest in bakeries?

Because they have a high turnover rate.