How did the executioner learn about knots?

By watching the noose.

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What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

Why did John Snow get an iPhone?

For the watch.

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What did Eminem learn to defend himself?

Marshall arts.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

They're stuck at C for years

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What did the executioner say to his wife when he left?

I'll beheading out now.

How did the executioner learn about knots?

By watching the noose.

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What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

What type of knot do you tie in space?

An astronaut.

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What do you call a married knot?

Monotonous. Bonus answer from my wife: a noose.

How can you tell if a black guy is well hung?

You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.