How to you tell the difference between ...

What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle?

The candle is a thousand times brighter!

What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?

The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.

How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.

Why did the little pig try to join the Navy?

He loved to sing "Oinkers Aweight"

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?

His mouth is moving.

Elephant Jokes More Elephant Jokes

How do you fit five elephants into a car ?

Two in the front two in the back and the other in the glove compartment !

How do you get an elephant into a Safeway?

You take the S out of SAFE and you take the F out of WAY

Pick Jokes More Pick Jokes

What are you looking for buddy?

Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose: