What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

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What happens if you feed Link some Speed?

you get a Hyperlink ...

What happened when the bike ran over a nail?

It popped a wheelie.

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What does cats and festival attendees have in common?

They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.

Why was Lisa not able to ride a bike?

She was a cat.

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Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings?

He wanted more Monet in his wallet.

Why did the old man buy his wig at the thrift store?

Because he didn't want toupee.

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What time does Sean Connery go to the US Open?

Tennish

Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings?

His shavings account.