What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

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What happened to Ed's girlfriend?

Sheeran

What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?

He gets stumped.

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Why do cats chase birds ?

For a lark !

Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House?

A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!

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Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet?

Because it had too many threads.

Why did the fishermen buy a new pole?

Just for the halibut.

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What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon at?

Tennish.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh