What vegetable is a bug most afraid of?

Stephen Hawking

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Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

What sounds like a robot and bumps into tables?

Stephen Hawking.

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Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

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What do you call it when you grind your teeth because you are bugged you forgot your dental floss?

Flossless compression!

Which web developer enjoys finding bugs?

A spider!