When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

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Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

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What did the pedophiliac rabbi say to the young boy?

Hey there little boy, you wanna BUY some candy?

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

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Why did the English major break up with the pilot?

Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.

Why do all polish names end in ski?

Because they can't spell toboggan (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

Shoe Jokes More Shoe Jokes

How do you get a person with podophobia to leave?

Just say "shoe".

What kind of shoes does Solid Snake wear?

Sneakers. Huehuehue.

Cupcake Jokes More Cupcake Jokes

When someone says something was made with "love" what exactly does that mean?

Did they jerk one off into the center of my cupcake

Who says you can't make someone love you?

I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.