Where is the remote?

All the way over there." "Guess I'm watching this."

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What are the famous last words of a redneck?

Hey ya'll, watch this!"

Where does the brown sugar go to watch a movie?

The Cinemon.

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Why did Amy Schumer go to a psychic?

Because it's the only way she'll ever get near a medium.

How 'done' do you want your burger?

I can do "well-done" all the way to "CPR might actually work."

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What could you bring to this company?

Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Why didn't the Eskimo want to go hunting?

I don't know, guess he just wasn't Inuit.

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Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?

She thought he was too controlling.

What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?

You can't play football with the remote.