Where is the remote?

All the way over there." "Guess I'm watching this."

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What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

How do you make Ben Carson yell?

Watch a movie with him.

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What do blacks and bikes have in common?

They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.

What happens when everything's coming your way?

Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

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Who's there ! Bed ! Bed who ?

Bed you can't guess who I am!

What did Christian Grey say when he read reviews of his movie?

People did not like my movie. I guess I am 50 shades of letdown... But I can sure GET UP"!

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What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?

You can't play football with the remote.

Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?

She thought he was too controlling.