How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement?

Collecting stocks and bonds.

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What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money?

Collect unemployment insurance!

How did rich people get their money?

They were calm and collected.

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How do dogs save for retirement?

With a Ruff IRA.

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement?

A 401(K-9).

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What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

What does an ear of corn hang on his fireplace during Christmas?

A stalk-ing! (A stocking!)

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What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.

Why did the hipster fail chemistry?

He thought the bond was ironic.