Safe Jokes

What is 1 + 1"?

The mathematician says "2" The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1" The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

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How do you get an elephant into a Safeway?

You take the S out of SAFE and you take the F out of WAY

Why did the squirrel cross the road on the telephone wire?

To be on the safe side!

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Russia Jokes More Russia Jokes

Why did Russia lose the race?

Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

What do call the President of Russia with an upset stomach?

Vladimir Poopin

Robbery Jokes More Robbery Jokes

What do you call a robbery at a bakery?

A bread-stick-em-up!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

Stay Jokes More Stay Jokes

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

What do dolphins use to stay clean?

All-porpoise cleaner.

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water?

Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.

Why shouldn't you let the scientists have an antelope?

They'll turn it into a bombardeer

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting?

I'm game.

What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?

I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

How did the homeless handicap child die?

Alone

Why can't you trust girls?

because you can't trust something that bleeds for days and doesn't die.

Jesus Jokes More Jesus Jokes

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ?

4. Prophet.

Star Wars Character Jokes More Star Wars Character Jokes

Which Star Wars character was arrested for drunk driving?

Han Solo. Because he took a shot first.

What Star Wars character is most likely to get cancer?

Leukemia Skywalker.