Comic Jokes

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

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Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic?

Wait for him to give it back.

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X Jokes More X Jokes

Which two letters on the keyboard are the furthest from each other?

X and V. There's a C between them.

What did the pirate say as he was sailing through Jamaica?

X marks the pot, matey."

Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

What's a hippie's favorite animal?

An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.

Why do Arabs wear thawbs?

Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Restroom Jokes More Restroom Jokes

Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom?

Depends.

What do you call four Mexicans working in a restroom?

Cuatro Sinko

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and his patients at the mental hospital?

The patients are the ones that get better and get to go home.

What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

How do trees use the Internet?

They log on

What is easier to load your van with bowling balls or screaming baby's?

Baby's because you can use a pitchfork

Audience Jokes More Audience Jokes

How does Times Square start the new year?

By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."

Why do golf commentators speak softly?

To not wake the audience.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How can you tell that Caitlyn Jenner was once a man?

Because she's better at being a woman than most women are.

How do Mexican peanuts tell time?

cacawatches

Resist Jokes More Resist Jokes

Where have you been?

he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

How are you resisting me?

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.