Bad News Jokes

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

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What's the worst news for a NASCAR driver before a race?

The track is alright."

Why can't you give bad news to someone on the Moon?

It lacks gravity.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

How's my cat, Doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news..

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

Why was the racehorse named Bad News?

Because bad news travels fast!

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Doctor Jokes More Doctor Jokes

What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.

Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor?

His resurrection lasted more than four hours.

Paul Jokes More Paul Jokes

What did everyone think?

STEVE: PAUL: JANE: SARAH: MARK: DAVE:

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

Lack Jokes More Lack Jokes

Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking?

Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces.

Why can't you give bad news to someone on the Moon?

It lacks gravity.

Polar Bear Jokes More Polar Bear Jokes

What's worse than a polar bear?

A bi-polar bear.

What is the definition of a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.

Cancer Jokes More Cancer Jokes

What is Chuck Norris' only weakness?

Cancer

What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to?

Prostate

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?

A: Because she didn't want to go.

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

Why should you tell bad jokes to cocaine addicts?

Because they'll crack up anyways

What kind of dog can tell time?

A clockshund!

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!