Drunk Jokes

What do you call a drunk who happens upon the scene of a crime?

an innocent bystumbler

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What do you call a dissection performed by drunks?

An Autipsy.

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.

Which has less drunks: an Irish wedding or an Irish funeral?

An Irish funeral has one less drunk.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.

What are you gonna be for halloween?

Me: Drunk!

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Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

What do you get if you play a C&amp?

W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You unplug it!

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about?

Ooops... wrong sub.

How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

Stop Sign Jokes More Stop Sign Jokes

Why did you crash into that stop sign?

Motorist: I was only following orders.

What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

Chubby Jokes More Chubby Jokes

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

What kind of people like Scottie's hair?

Chubby 7th grade girls!

State Jokes More State Jokes

Why do the Kurds have no state of their own?

They didn't get their whey.

Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia?

Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state.

Drunk Driver Jokes More Drunk Driver Jokes

What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

What is the difference between a drunk driver and a high driver?

The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even knowing it was there.. The high driver will wait until it turns green