Newborn Jokes

What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?

You can't play football with the remote.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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What shatters faster than your smartphone screen?

A newborn with osteoporosis.

What do you call a newborn with 3 arms?

Not mine

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

How do Chinese pick a name for their newborn?

They kick a Can

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Son Jokes More Son Jokes

What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now

Why did the orange go to the doctor?

Because she wasn't peeling very well... All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

Where's your wedding ring?

I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."

What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

People Jokes More People Jokes

Why were some people not allowed in to the Poet College?

Because they were bard.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

Describe Jokes More Describe Jokes

How would you describe the woman who attacked you?

Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Fall Jokes More Fall Jokes

What did the tree say to the lumberjack?

I'm falling for you

What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?

Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.

Chinese Jokes More Chinese Jokes

Why do Chinese people love NY?

Because they heard we sell hotdogs for $0.75 each.

Who's the fastest runner in the chinese olympic team?

Mr. Do Ping

Theirs Jokes More Theirs Jokes

How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them?

They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

Hold Jokes More Hold Jokes

What do you call a man holding a machine gun?

Sir

What's a stoners favorite word?

Here! (Must be said like you are holding a hit in)