Baby Jokes

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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How are new marriages just like LOST?

The Significant Others just want babies.

What's worse than having 10 babies nailed to a tree?

One baby nailed to 10 trees...

How do you get a baby in and out of a small bowl?

Use a blender to get it in, use tortilla chips to get it out!

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What's the difference between a baby and an unwanted baby?

One's a rugrat, the other's a regret.

What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?

The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.

What's the difference between a baby and a kilo of Coke?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo fall out of a window

When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after it finishes college.

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Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What did Eric Clapton do after he wrote Tears in Heaven?

Threw his baby out the window.

Whats the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

Why did the baby drop its rattle?

It got hit by a truck

Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

What is the hardest part of cutting a baby in half with a straight razor?

My erection.

Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby daughter?

The baby, because she's a little bigger.

How high can you kick a baby?

It depends. Are you inside or outside?

Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?

Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you She: Thanks for Thinking

Why did the baby cross the road?

It didn't hit the car's windshield.

What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork.

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus?

It was a no brainer.

What did the ceiling fan say?

YEEEEAAAAH! GO CEILING! YOU NUMBER ONE BABY! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?

A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler

What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool?

What's blue, orange and lying at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with popped floaties.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

How do you say goodbye to your pasta?

Pasta La Vista, baby!

What is the difference between a baby and a onion?

No one cries when you chop up the baby.

What did the sperm say to the egg?

Nice to meet you. Wanna make a baby?

What happens when Keemstar and Ricegum have a baby?

He's born with Diss-lexia

What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?

Doesn't matter, they both taste the same.

How do skeletons make a baby?

They bone

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

How do you take care of a baby?

Hire a hitman

Why don't babies work?

Because they're all out of cervix

How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?

nail the other hand to the floor.

Why was Marc Antony still interested in Cleopatra even when she's just had a baby?

Because it was delivered via Ceasarion section

What kind of bird does not make babies?

A swallow

What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?

About 500 calories.

Where do you buy a baby?

Hole Foods.

What's the difference between a baby and baby Alien?

One bursts into tears. The other bursts out of tears

What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?

Recoil

Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

A: Because 36 would be too many.

How many babies does it take to stop a puck?

Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

What do you get when you throw a baby against a wall?

An erection

What do you call a half-white and half-Hispanic baby?

A baby.

Why can't witches have babies?

Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

Decalfinated

How do you put a baby to sleep?

You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.

How does the stork bring babies?

It pokes holes in condoms.

Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?

Because they always miss.

Why can't ghosts have babies?

They have hollow weenies!

How do Chinese people name their babies?

A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.

Why can't the train lady have a baby?

Because she's miss carriaged.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

What's pink and slowly turns red?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby?

One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other one is a watermelon.

Whats do a baby and old people have in common?

They both get ditched in the park

How are babies different from feminists ?

Babies grow up and stop crying

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave?

I don't know....I was too busy masterbating.

How do Harry Potter fans flirt?

Hey baby, mind if I ? ;)

What's the difference between a retard and a baby?

The baby has a soul.

How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?

Pasta la vista, baby."

What's the difference between a pizza and a baby?

A pizza doesn't scream when you break it in 8.

What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?

Doesn't matter, still born.

What do you call a baby Muslim?

A hand grenade.

What breaks when you give it to a baby?

Its hips.

How do blind doctors deliver babies?

With a can't c-section.

How many babies does it take to make light?

99, 98 get in a pile while 1 grabs a match and lighter fluid.

What is the difference between a baby and a stamp?

I don't have a stamp collection.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah?

Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

What did the flower couple call their two babies?

Poli, Nate

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline

What's red and silver and bumps in to walls?

A baby with forks in it's eyes.

Why didn't the ghost have any babies?

Because he had a Halloweenie! (Hollow-weenie)

What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't cry when it takes a load.

What's the difference between babies and love?

Love doesn't burn. What's worst part about making love to a dead baby. Digging up the coffin. How long does take to play hide and seek with a dead baby? It depends how small the pieces are.

Why was the baby elf sad?

Because he was Legolas

What do you get when you drop a baby into a wood chipper?

Well an erection of course.

What did the Chili's waitress say about her kidnapped daughter?

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..

What's worse than two babies in a dumpster?

A baby in two dumpsters.

Why don't witches ever have babies?

Because warlocks have hollow weenies!

What's the difference between the IRS and a baby?

It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.

How are babies and strippers alike?

They're fun to play with but I wouldn't want to take one home

What do you call it when you drown a baby in soda?

Infantacide

How do you get a baby into a shoebox?

A. With a blender. Q. How do you get a baby out of a shoebox? A. With a straw.

What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller?

A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.

What do you call the crucified baby Jesus?

Baby on board.

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it. How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic?

Hasta last vista, baby.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.

What's more fun then swinging a baby on a clothes line?

Stopping it with a shovel.

What do a burnt pizza and a baby have in common?

Some idiot pulled it out to late

Why was the baby strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam.

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Montana?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin!

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me.

What do you call a baby Matt Damon?

A new-Bourne

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Feminist Jokes More Feminist Jokes

Why do feminists hate Medusa?

She's always objectifying people.

Why shouldn't you play American football with feminists?

Because they'll constantly shift the goal posts.

Kidnap Jokes More Kidnap Jokes

Why did the kidnapped clock always read 12:00?

His hands were tied.

What's it called when you kidnap a ghost?

A Polter-Heist

Dead Baby Jokes More Dead Baby Jokes

Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't use a pitchfork on the bowling balls.

What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage bag?

A dead baby in two garbage bags.

Mr. Big Baby Jokes More Mr. Big Baby Jokes

Who's bigger?

Mr. Bigger Or Mr. Bigger's baby The baby, because it is a little Bigger.

Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?

Mr. Bigger's baby, because he's just a little Bigger.

Grow Jokes More Grow Jokes

How often do you floss?

Me: Daily Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

What's te definition of a bachelor pad?

A. All the house plants are dead but there's something growing in the refrigerator.

Cry Jokes More Cry Jokes

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

How do you tell if your Billy Idol fan girlfriend has a Three Stooges fetish?

In the midnight hour she cried "Moe! Moe! Moe!"

Coffin Jokes More Coffin Jokes

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

What would they put on his coffin ?

A lid !

Burn Jokes More Burn Jokes

What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?

Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.

What did the farmer say when he heard the town gossiping about his cornfield fire?

My ears are burning!"