Baby Jokes

Why was the baby put in jail?

For resisting a rest. I'll take my coat

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would NEVER drop a bag of cocaine.

What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?

The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.

What's blue and orange &amp sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

What did the chicken say before laying an egg?

Yahoo. There goes my baby.

Why did the baby fall off the swing?

It had no arms.

What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?

Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What is the hardest part of cuting a baby in half with a straight razor?

My erection.

Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby?

Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper

Who do women produce milk for?

The baby and the dad.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why did the chicken lay an egg?

Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!

What is a surgeon's excuse for not wearing a condom?

Don't worry baby, I'm sterile.

How do you stop a baby from walking in circles?

Pin its other hand to the ground.

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?

They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.

How's the baby?

Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

What's easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls or a truck of babies?

The babies of course, you can use a pitchfork!

What's in your mom's tummy?

5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.

How did the witch almost lose her baby?

She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

Where's the baby?

while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies?

Obi-Gyn Kenobi.

What's your favorite song?

Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Where do baby apes sleep?

Apricots.

Who was that at the door?

Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "

Why do babies cry when they're born?

Because it's the most painful day in their lives

What do a baby and a martini have in common?

I prefer both of them shaken

Why won't Arnold Schwarzenegger upgrade to windows 10?

Because : he still loves vista,baby!

What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Why do Mexicans have so many babies?

Because they're too poor to afford condoms.

This joke may have profanity.

What do they do when the Queen has a baby?

Fire a 21 gun salute. What do they do when a nun has a baby Fire the dirty old Canon.

What do you call a baby Mexican?

A paragraph because he's not quite an essay (ese)

What's black and taps on the window?

A baby in the microwave :)

What is easier to load your van with bowling balls or screaming baby's?

Baby's because you can use a pitchfork

Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you step on a trampoline Probally heard this but it's worth a shot

Why did you drop the baby?

Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.

What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?

A baby in two dumpsters.

What's red and sits in a corner?

A baby with razorblade. What's red and green and sits in a corner The same baby 3 weeks later.

What's the difference between a baby and a politician?

Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.

Who was bigger, the baby or his mom?

The baby, because he's a little Bigger.

Why is a baby like an diamond?

Because it's a dear little thing.

What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ?

A cry for Alp !

What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?

An erection and a place to put it.

What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack?

The babies in my nutsack are still living.

What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

Eventually the baby stops crying

Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ?

Baby love my baby love.... !

Why did the blonde have an Abortion?

She wasn't convinced the baby was hers.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?

He whale-d

What brings no babies?

The Swallow.

What do you call a baby in a concentration camp?

Baby Powder.

What do you call it when a baby tells you off?

A fedis.

Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

What do you call a really really big ant?

A GIANT! Now what do you call a baby ant an Infant! What do you call an ant thats into business A Merchant! please post more ant jokes if you know of any.

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?

Egyptian dummies.

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

Paula Ab-doula

How are you baby?

I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!

Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?

A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop an onion.

Why is baby black?

Wife- You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!

How do you explain a man birthing a baby?

Taco bell for lunch

When you put a baby into a blender, why do you put her in legs first ?

A : So that you can see the expression on the face.........

How many feminists does it take to change a baby's diaper?

A: Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything. And besides, where would they find a baby!

What did the woman say while she was having a baby?

This could use some salt."

Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies?

Their kids would be too lazy to steal.

Why do we have oceans?

Because based god and acid god had a baby.

What kind of bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

What is black and knocking on the window from the inside?

A baby in the oven.

Why are babies always gurgling with joy?

Because it's a nappy time.

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

What is red and hangs around trees?

A baby hit by a snow blower

What's worse than ten babies in one trash can?

One baby in ten trash cans.

How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Babies don't have the motor skills or the depth perception to change a light bulb.

How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?

Pasta la vista, baby!

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Kidnap Jokes More Kidnap Jokes

How do you upset a plumber?

Kidnap his princess.

How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child?

A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.

Life Jokes More Life Jokes

Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?

Why do we have to do all the work

What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?

A meme-oir

Blend Jokes More Blend Jokes

What's the difference between a bucket of blended dead baby and a bucket of sand?

I can't gargle sand.

Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?

It was unmiscible.

Big Jokes More Big Jokes

Why are you wearing such a large shirt?

Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.

Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby daughter?

The baby, because she's a little bigger.

Seven Jokes More Seven Jokes

Why is seven bigger than nine?

Because seven ate nine.

What did Brad Pitt in Seven and Harvey Weinstein in real life both get?

Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Container Jokes More Container Jokes

What's scarier then ten babies in one jar?

A: One baby in ten jars How do you got a baby in a container A: blend it.

What kind of container is appropriate for noble gases?

An innertube.

Trash Jokes More Trash Jokes

What's worse than seven dead babies in a trash can?

One dead baby in seven trash cans. What's your dead baby joke

Wheres my dog gone?

Dead in the trash

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between someone unemployed and a gender-expert?

Nothing

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

You can tune a chainsaw.