Hand Jokes

What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

Nails in their hands and feet

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Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?

They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire

Why do bald men cut holes in there pockets?

To run their hands through their hair

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

How are martinis like breasts?

They are better shaken, not stirred. I usually have one in my hand. One is too few and three are two many.

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

Why can't the T-rex clap its hands?

Because it's dead.

Why did the guy spend the entire day throwing out his surplus of herbs?

He had too much thyme on his hands.

What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands?

I literally can't even."

What is strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand...

Which rock band always wash their hands before a concert?

OCDC

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Why would 12:00 make the best cop?

Hands up"

What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?

I don't know, she hasn't opened it

What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

What's worse than having a screaming child on your hands?

Having half a screaming child on your hands.

Which playing card can turn its hand to everything?

Jack of all Spades

What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?

The back of my hand.

How do IT technicians prefer to be paid?

Cache in hand.

What's the difference between training wheels and training bras?

I need two hands to remove training wheels.

What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

How do you know if an Italian person is mute?

When you see he has no hands.

How do you offend a vegan?

Cover your ears with your hands

What do you say when someone hands you a nice, ripe blunt in Germany?

Danke

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?

nail the other hand to the floor.

Why does Jesus hate M&Ms?

They keep falling through his hands.

What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?

They wipe, flush, and wash their hands

Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school?

Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.

What is the scariest part of a cavity search?

When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching

How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children?

You put a guitar in his hands.

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.

What do you call slapping hands with (5.5+1)/2?

A high phive! I'll see myself out now.

Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot..

What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?

Two pirates

Why did the T-Rex fail his business project?

He couldn't make hands meet.

What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?

It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

Why did Steve hate being the youngest clone?

Because all his genes were hand me downs.

Why couldn't Jesus play marbles?

Because they kept falling through his hands.

Which hand did Henry VIII use to wipe his bottom with?

Anne Boleyn's.

What did the hands say to the flour?

I knead you!"

How are you feeling Grandpa?

Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.

What are Asian Tennis Players most well known for?

The Back Hand

How many JokeExplainBots does it take to change a lightbulb?

are easily threaded by one person, with one hand. Doot.

What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty?

The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.

Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?

All those spikes hurt his hands

What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows yet.

Where can a hand refuel its car?

At a fist pump.

Why didn't the panda use a glove when playing baseball?

Because he caught everything bear handed!

Why do cannibals hate Pentecostals?

Because they're always throwing up their hands.

Why did it take so long for the postie to deliver the missing jigsaw piece?

He had a bit of a puzzle in his hands

What's worse than dropping a scope of ice cream?

Dropping 2 scoops of ice cream. What's worse than dropping 2 scoops of ice cream? Getting a hand chopped off. What's worse than getting a hand chopped off? Getting both hands chopped off. What's worse than getting both hands chopped off? The Holocaust. What's worse than the Holocaust? Dropping 3 scoops of ice cream.