Hand Jokes

How many of you believe in psychokinesis?

Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

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What did Mitt Romney say to C3P0?

Threepio, hand me those binders, willya

What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?

The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected

What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

new gloves for the cold days

When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm?

Intermittenly.

What do you have if you have one fuzzy, green ball in one hand and another fuzzy, green ball in the other hand?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

Irish handcuffs.

What's next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

What's the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender?

Answer: There's always a 50/50 chance the blender isn't on

What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's?

Shaking hands.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?

Raise MY hand!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Coffee Mug

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

Because he didn't feel well.

What do you get when you have two balls in your hand?

A man's undivided attention!

Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?

Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.

What phone etiquette?

You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

What makes an ideal present for a monster?

Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.

What did the digital clock say to it's Mother?

Look Ma, no hands!"

What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?

Two pirates.

What is the difference between a woman and a forklift?

There is none. In both cases, if you don't have one, you unload by hand.

How do you cut a turd into 5 pieces?

Squish it in your hand.

What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?

The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.

What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...?

A fork

What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?

A pocket watch.

How does Kris Kringle clean his hands?

Santatizer

What did the frustrated cannibal say?

Nothing he just threw up his hands.

Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?

He never mentions "on the other hand"

When pianists fall in love what is their favourite position ?

the four hands (you dirty minds)

What u doing later?

Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Why are hands so important?

You always need them for thumb finger another.

How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Thousands because Confucious say many hands make light work.

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?

Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift

What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?

He brought it to school and said 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

Why can the Cornish always lend a hand?

They probably have a spare.

Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?

Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"

What do you get if you cross a salmon a bird's leg and a hand ?

Birdsthigh fish fingers !

What hand do you wipe with?

Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper

How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed?

I think we're in sink."

Where r my legal briefs?

Paralegal *hands him his boxers* Judge: lol Jury: We're hung Judge: ha! DA: Balls in your court Judge: DO MORE!

Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?

To go to the second hand shop

What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy?

I wish his hands were made of stone."

What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?

THE FEET, THE FEET, THE FEET!!!

Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

What do you call a man with no hands and a book?

A read-only man.

What do you get when you hold two green balls tightly in your hand?

A leprachaun's undivided attention.

Why should you date a girl who is good with her hands and plays soccer?

Because she's probably a keeper.

What did the author tell his publisher when he handed him a 600 pages instead of the 200 the publisher had asked for?

Sorry, I overwrote your order. :-)

What did Helen Keller do when she was drowning?

She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

What do right-handed people hate most?

NSFW Having to switch hands at the computer.

This joke may have profanity.

Why don't urologists hand out stickers their patients?

Because they are always telling them "You're in trouble"

What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time?

You're my brother in arms!"

What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?

I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree!

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

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Octopus Jokes More Octopus Jokes

What doesn't belong in this group, A lobster, an octopus, a crab, or a chinese man under a bus?

The octopus, obviously, the three others are crustaceans.

What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?

I don't know, but it's damn good at picking cotton.

Scoop Jokes More Scoop Jokes

How do you make a baby float?

2 scoops ice cream 1 scoop dead baby

What did the Baskin-Robbins manager say to the employee that wanted to date a co-worker?

Don't poop where you scoop.

Scream Jokes More Scream Jokes

How can you tell the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

The picture doesn't scream when you hang it.

How many r/jokes redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer is 2. One to change the lightbulb while the other screams "REPOST"

Right Hand Jokes More Right Hand Jokes

What do you get when you hold a mothball in your left hand and a mothball in your right hand?

A rather excited moth

What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand?

You always think you're right!"

Touch Jokes More Touch Jokes

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

What time was it when Jared got fired?

When the big hand touched the little hand

Watch Jokes More Watch Jokes

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Who is Superman's brother?

Supperman. Or his kid Soup-erman. One just gets to dinner on time and the other is really good and making soup. E: I thought of it in it in a dream so thats why its not so good

What do you think of Theresa May?

I'm more of a L'Oreal fan

Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why was Snape in the middle of the road?

So you would never know what side he was on.

What's the difference between Jesus and the chicken that crossed the road?

Jesus died on the cross