Determine Jokes

How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus?

It was a no brainer.

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How do you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

One of them makes crack while the other just markets it.

How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

What is the best way to determine if someone is ticklish?

Give them a "test tickle."

How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring?

They conducted an in-turtle investigation.

How do you determine the personality of a hot dog?

Give it an Oscar-Myers-Briggs test

How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?

They take a gallop poll!

How does a boat captain determine his profit?

By using aquadratic equation. (Via my coworker)

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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Doctor Jokes More Doctor Jokes

How bad is it, Doctor?

Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

Affect Jokes More Affect Jokes

What is one item which has never been affected by inflation?

Deer's Balls There are always under a buck

What's the most common illness affecting neckbeards?

M'laise.

Believe Jokes More Believe Jokes

What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?

That I will open the door

Why are Mumford &amp Sons the only agnostic rock band?

Because they don't even know if they believe.

Market Jokes More Market Jokes

Why is there no market for white tires?

Because black tires makes your car run faster

What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy?

A Nietzsche market!

Favourite Jokes More Favourite Jokes

Who are the hamburgers favourite people?

Vegetarians!

What is a Brit's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be "T", but it is "U". *Favourite, btw.

Conduct Jokes More Conduct Jokes

What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"

How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests?

What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest

Plumber Jokes More Plumber Jokes

What's the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber?

The way they pronounce "unionized"

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why did the cactus cross the road?

It got stuck to the chicken.

Why did the armadillo cross the road?

It didn't, it made it halfway and then got hit by a truck.