Vodka Jokes

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

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How do you get 30 drunk Russians out of the pool?

Put 30 crates of vodka near the pool

Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?

Because he couldn't handle a few shots

What's the Russian word for water?

Vodka

What would happen if Russia ran out of vodka?

Well, my dear reddit, in nature there is law of conservation of matter. Therefore, if the vodka disappeared somewhere, it would appear somewhere else. And then there would be Russia.

What brand of vodka does a Canadian drink?

Grey Moose

What is the difference between homeless and vodka?

Vodka does not freeze

What do you call an Arnold Palmer with vodka?

A John Daly

What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?

Stop "Russian"

What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine?

I turned MY student loans into vodka...

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

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Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

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What's the Russian word for Internet outage?

Internjet

What's the Russian word for water?

Vodka

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What do you call a French human delicacy?

Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person

Wine Jokes More Wine Jokes

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare

What kind of wine causes the most accidents?

Shartonnay

Jesus Jokes More Jesus Jokes

How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

What happens when doughnuts join a sorority?

They have to go through the glazing. I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order.

Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)

Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?

The nearest ISOBAR!!

Why do you have to take more than one Baptist with you when you go fishing?

Because if you just take one, he'll drink all your beer.

Handle Jokes More Handle Jokes

Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.

When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

When it gets a handle on life.

Matter Jokes More Matter Jokes

What do the Police, the NFL and Black Lives Matter all have in common?

They all have the same PR guy.

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Doesn't matter, ants can't rent a house