Wine Jokes

Why did Jesus drink wine at the last supper?

Because in 3 days, he would be a raisin

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What's it called when you make sure you don't spill the wine?

Being carafe-ful.

What kind of wine causes the most accidents?

Shartonnay

Why do terrorists hate wine?

Because there are too many zinfandel's.

What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

A religion drinks wine and a cult drinks Kool-Aid.

How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's?

It smells like teen spirit.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

Why did the ebo(l)la patient yell?

Someone spilled wine (bolla) on his ELECTRONIC. (E)phones.

Why doesn't Marty McFly drink wine?

Too many Tannens.

What's the difference between little girls and wine?

Wine gets better as it gets older

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What kind of wine does Bruce Lee pair with a fish dinner?

None, he just has some WATAH!

Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking?

I can't pair wines like this.

How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000?

Smells like teen spirit.

What do you call a wine loving horse?

Chardon-neigh.

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare

What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine?

I turned MY student loans into vodka...

What was the old lady's favourite type of wine?

Why don't you ever take me to Florida " Courtesy of my Nana.

What kind of wine do bears drink?

Maulbec

How much wine can a cat drink?

2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?

A: It depends on the age.

Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

What kind of wine does ISIS drink?

White Infidel.

Where do you store your wine?

In the cabernet

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Why did the bros take a shot of alcohol together?

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Why aren't you allowed alcohol on a golf course?

Because it's a crime to drink and drive.

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What does a French beaver call her home?

Madame

What's the best thing about an 8 year old in the shower?

You can slick her hair back and make her look 6.

Accident Jokes More Accident Jokes

Why's the couch smell like pee?

Flashback to me watching The Ring alone Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."

Who Got in an Accident?

There was a fork in the road.

Religion Jokes More Religion Jokes

What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss?

Religion.

What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

Austrian Jokes More Austrian Jokes

What happened to the Russians and Austrians at Austerlitz?

They got Napoleon Blownapart! Happy 200th Anniversary of Waterloo everyone!

What do you call an Austrian woman's undergarments?

A Freudian Slip.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a sperm and a racist?

A sperm as a 1 in a million chance of actually becoming a human being.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

Chore Jokes More Chore Jokes

What do cows get when they do all their chores?

Mooney.

Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

Jeremy Clarkson Jokes More Jeremy Clarkson Jokes

What does Jeremy Clarkson have in common with Amy Winehouse?

He can't do 'top gear' anymore!

What do Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson have in common?

They were both on top gear.