Bottle Jokes

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

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What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating?

A re-lotion-ship.

How did the bottle of whiskey laugh?

wryly.

What does an empty bottle of Champaign and an orphan have in common?

Nether of them have a pop.

What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common?

They both lost their pop.

What's the biggest similarity between a bottle of Draino and a Danish stripper?

They both slowly remove clogs.

Why do pills bottles have cotton in them?

So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.

What's the difference between Tuna, a Piano, and a bottle of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey?

The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.

What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game?

At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

What did the bottle of milk say to the Mexican?

Soy milk.

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What happens when you cross the band "The Knack" and a bottle of Corona?

A song called "My Corona"

What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?

A really good watch.

What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle?

breaking the seal on a rock.

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

What's worse than finding Astroglide on your Mom's shopping list?

Finding an empty bottle in the trash.

What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy's pocket?

A bonding agent.

Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?

Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!

Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?

For people that don't want anything to drink

How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000?

Smells like teen spirit.

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

Who says you can't make someone love you?

I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

How did you meet daddy?

Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare

What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?

A bit of a shock really!

What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?

They can both take about 65 loads.

What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage?

They go to Cannes

What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?

He was convicted of fragrancy.

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar ?

A sourpuss !

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch?

OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.

Why was the bottle laying down?

someone flipped it.

What did the cork say to the bottle?

If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you.

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?

Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end

What do you call a bottle of seltzer that lost all its bubbles?

Water...

Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?

They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!

What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

How does a virgin pop her cherry?

by using a bottle opener

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100 Meter Jokes More 100 Meter Jokes

What's Isis' favorite race?

The 100-meter daesh. Q: What's Isis' favorite punctuation mark? A: The em-daesh. Q: How much cinnamon does the Isis recipe for gingersnaps call for? A: Just a daesh.

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

Pill Bottle Jokes More Pill Bottle Jokes

Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

Why is there cotton in pill bottles?

To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

How do Russians in the taiga make fun of each other online?

bullying

Where do Russians get their milk from?

From moscow

Jim Morrison Jokes More Jim Morrison Jokes

Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To break on through to the other side.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch?

OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.

Press Jokes More Press Jokes

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

What do a racist and an apple have in common?

They both look good hanging from a tree

Why are women so afraid of looking stupid?

Because they don't want the world to know!

Drug Dealer Jokes More Drug Dealer Jokes

What did the drug dealer say to his long time girlfriend?

Marriage-u-wanna?

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Pop Jokes More Pop Jokes

What did the pope say to Aretha Franklin?

I said play pope music not pop music.

What happens when a pope dies?

Another pops up.