Shelf Jokes

What do you call a short priest reaching for his bible that's on the top shelf?

Christina Ricci.

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What did the bookshelf say when it looked in the mirror?

I can see my shelf"

Why do Little People hate the taste of alcohol?

Because they can't reach the top shelf.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

I have only my shelf to blame"

Why are librarians so lonely?

They're always by them shelves Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold

What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home?

The shadow of his former shelf.

What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head?

I blame my shelf

What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

I can only blame my shelf. Shout out to /r/shubreddit

Where did the spoiled milk sit?

On the top shelf. Where did the chocolate milk sit In the back.

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Course Jokes More Course Jokes

What do you get when you drop a baby into a wood chipper?

Well an erection of course.

What's easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls or a truck of babies?

The babies of course, you can use a pitchfork!

Head Jokes More Head Jokes

How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?

Standing on his head!

How do you cure the hiccups?

Dunk your head in a bucket of water and pull it out twice.

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from?

LIESTRONG bracelets.

What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?

A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...

Shout Jokes More Shout Jokes

How do you make 30 senior citizens swear?

Shout "Bingo!" before them

How does an idiot call for his dog?

He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

Sean Connery Jokes More Sean Connery Jokes

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a Bosch!

Why doesn't Sean Connery have any grown up children?

He prefers them shaken, not stirred.

Leonardo Dicaprio Jokes More Leonardo Dicaprio Jokes

What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car?

Because he got an award for revvin' it.

Mirror Jokes More Mirror Jokes

How do you get out?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Hog Jokes More Hog Jokes

Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds?

They hog the Schwing set.

What do you call a pig sitting on a hog?

Usually they prefer to be called "officer"