Grocery Jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a paper bag?

One is made of plastic and is very dangerous for little kids to play with. The other carries groceries.

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Where do farm animals get their groceries?

The pharmacy.

Where do crows go to buy groceries?

Kroger

How does a ninja shop for groceries?

No one knows.

Why is Hannibal so rich?

Well, he save on groceries.

Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan?

At the infideli counter.

Where does Jane Fonda buy her groceries?

Traitor Joe's.

Where does the CIA buy its groceries?

Whole Foods

Where is Benedict Arnold's favorite place to shop for groceries?

Traitor Joe's

Why did the forgetful Mexican cross the road?

To get to the other side... err, no it was to pick up the laundry... nope, to get groceries? I forget.

Where do dogs shop for groceries?

Wagmans.

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Where do people in Detroit get their groceries?

They don't.

What do you call a horse who likes to carry all the groceries?

A one trip pony :D

Where are the groceries?

ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Where does the military commander buy his groceries?

the GENERAL STORE HAHAHAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY

Where do safari animals buy their groceries?

From the supermeerkat

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Save Jokes More Save Jokes

Who would you save first?

Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

Who was saved?

The Russian people

Grocery Bag Jokes More Grocery Bag Jokes

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

one is plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with, the other holds your groceries

Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?

Me: Kidding At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.

Dementia Jokes More Dementia Jokes

Why did the old man throw the matress out the window?

Dementia

What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner?

Forgetti Bolognese.

Kid Jokes More Kid Jokes

Why can't we feed the animals?

Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

Child Jokes More Child Jokes

What will they name their child?

Donald Dump

Whats the difference between children and lesbians?

Children shouldn't run with scissors. Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs.

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long?

I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?

I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Michael Jackson Jokes More Michael Jackson Jokes

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?

Because he thought it was a delivery service.

What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

One of them got shot for touching a kid.

Knock Jokes More Knock Jokes

What did the white guy say when he found out his sister got knocked up by her black boyfriend?

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!"

Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Obviously not Sally