News Jokes

What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

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Whats the difference between news of the US elections and Madeleine McCann?

News of the elections is getting old.

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err...

Where does a redditor get most of his news from?

The Hydraulic Press

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed?

Does any of this really matter...

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

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Newsfeed Jokes More Newsfeed Jokes

What do "fake news" and isis have in common?

They're blowing up everyone's newsfeed

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.

Racehorse Jokes More Racehorse Jokes

What's similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet?

They're both off and running.

What is the strongest animal?

A racehorse because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!

Blow Jokes More Blow Jokes

What did one radical muslim say to the other after a successful day of bombings?

Jihad a chance, and you blew it.

What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Doc Jokes More Doc Jokes

What should I tell him?

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

Who let the docs out?

Google. Google docs.

Good News Jokes More Good News Jokes

What's the good news?

Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week

How's my cat, Doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Paul Jokes More Paul Jokes

Why did the sweet scented man called Paul change his name to Saul?

He liked the P, but preferred the essence the change.

What did Simon's dad, Paul, say to his son to encourage him just before he went to compete in the National Leg Breaking Championships?

Have a good one, son."

Fox News Jokes More Fox News Jokes

What about Fox News?

They haven't shown a fox in months. (Craig Ferguson)

What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News?

A bad news bear

Travel Jokes More Travel Jokes

What do pirates have in common with photons?

They both travel at c

What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north?

A pair of ducks.