Long Time Jokes

Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.

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What's long and hard every time you wake up?

Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?

Palmela Handerson

What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

What did the blind man say to his estranged friend?

Long time, no see."

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

Long time no sea.

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How long you two been married?

It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.

Why was the blonde staring at the box of orange juice for a long time?

because it said "CONCENTRATE"

What type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination?

A log n truck.

What did the blind man say to the blind man?

Long time no see.

What's next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?

Because he could only make 14 point turns.

What did the fish skeleton say?

Long time, no sea.

How old is your Grandma?

I dunno but we've had him a long time.

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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What kind of music venues do gun lovers like the most?

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Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

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What do you call a field used to grow bows and arrows?

An archerd.

Why do women only use putters while playing golf?

Because women can't drive.

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Why should you never race with a guy from Finland?

Because they're already Finnish before the race even began

What kind of church music do they sing in Finland?

FINNISH HYMN!

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Why did the IT Admin marry Sally?

She had a 19" rack.

What do bunnies do when they get married?

Go on a bunnymoon

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Why can't Russia extradite US top-secret whistle-blowers?

Because they're Snowden (snowed-in). To all the folks on the East coast, stay safe and warm.

Why do most people from Russia wear track suits?

Because they are Russin'

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Why do Zelda and Link smoke weed?

Because they live in the kingdom where the hyrule.

Which area of Zelda: Ocarina of time uses the most resources?

The long long farm.

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Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda?

She thought it was diet coke

How would it be living in an only men city?

I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.

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Why do Republicans use rulers?

They want everything to be straight.

Who is the king of the pencil case?

The Ruler