Long Time Jokes

Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What's long and hard every time you wake up?

Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?

Palmela Handerson

What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

What did the blind man say to his estranged friend?

Long time, no see."

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

Long time no sea.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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How long you two been married?

It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.

Why was the blonde staring at the box of orange juice for a long time?

because it said "CONCENTRATE"

What type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination?

A log n truck.

What did the blind man say to the blind man?

Long time no see.

What's next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?

Because he could only make 14 point turns.

What did the fish skeleton say?

Long time, no sea.

How old is your Grandma?

I dunno but we've had him a long time.

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Whats the difference between a retard and a woman?

The retard doesn't need to be buggered to think he's special.

What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

200 Year Jokes More 200 Year Jokes

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

What's the difference between white people and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will finally develop its own cultures

Firetruck Jokes More Firetruck Jokes

Why are firetrucks red?

You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.

What do you call two Mexicans on the back of a firetruck?

Jose and Hose B

Brit Jokes More Brit Jokes

How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. They just move out of the house.

Why did the Geometry major marry a Brit?

Because she was a cute angle.

Ship Jokes More Ship Jokes

What does the European say to the black couple?

I ship them

Who's there ! Anka ! Anka who ?

Anka the ship !

Marry Jokes More Marry Jokes

Why didn't Count Dracula get married?

He wanted to remain a bat-chelor.

How did the fruits get married?

They Cantaeloped!

8 Jokes More 8 Jokes

Why is Microsoft going straight to Windows 10?

Because 7.. 8.. 9

How long can 7 ride 8?

Til infinity.

Shake Jokes More Shake Jokes

How does a witch make scrambled eggs?

She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.