Long Time Jokes

Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.

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What's long and hard every time you wake up?

Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?

Palmela Handerson

What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

What did the blind man say to his estranged friend?

Long time, no see."

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

Long time no sea.

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How long you two been married?

It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.

Why was the blonde staring at the box of orange juice for a long time?

because it said "CONCENTRATE"

What type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination?

A log n truck.

What did the blind man say to the blind man?

Long time no see.

What's next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?

Because he could only make 14 point turns.

What did the fish skeleton say?

Long time, no sea.

How old is your Grandma?

I dunno but we've had him a long time.

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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Long Distance Jokes More Long Distance Jokes

What's got six legs and can fly long distances ?

Three swallows !

What's the difference between Americans and Europeans?

For an European 500 Miles is a long distance, for an American 500 years are a long History

Russia Jokes More Russia Jokes

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ?

Tsardines !

Why didn't Edward leave Russia?

Cause he was snowden.

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

Why should you be sure to pay your exorcist on time?

You wouldn't want to get repossessed!

Who was the best boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

Uniball.

How are skunks able to avoid danger?

By using their instinks and common scents!

Flag Jokes More Flag Jokes

What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well for starters the flag is a big plus.

What is good about being Swiss?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

American Jokes More American Jokes

Which American president was not guilty?

Lincoln, he was in a cent

What do you call an empty bud light can on the side of the road?

A native American artifact. What do you call a HALF-EMPTY bud light can on the side of the road? An extremely rare native American artifact.

Ship Jokes More Ship Jokes

Which is heavier, a coin or a ship?

Obviously the coin, the coin sinks!

How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas?

Tarrif-ied.

Finland Jokes More Finland Jokes

What happens when a guy from Finland dies?

He is finnished. Ha ha ha. God I am so depressed. :(

Which Nordic country should you never be a part of?

Finland. Once you're a citizen, that's it! You're Finnish! It's over.