99 Jokes

What's the phone number of Clucking Bell?

99 6dip74545cheese

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Which is the most eco-friendly subreddit?

because 99% of its products are made from recycled material.

What do you call 99% of /r/politics?

Bernd-wagoners!

What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk, 99 clonk?

A centipede with a wooden leg!

What did JayZ say to the theoretical mathematician?

I feel sorry for you son, I got 99 problems but you got imaginary ones

How many babies does it take to make light?

99, 98 get in a pile while 1 grabs a match and lighter fluid.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

100; 1 to do it, and 99 to say "I could do that."

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes 1 to screw it in, and 99 to tweet about it.

How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower?

100. 1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.

How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub?

100. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

They're not infallible

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What kind of bikes do girls ride?

Menstrual Cycles (I'm 99% sure I made this up!)

What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back?

A receding hare line.

How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?

fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job.

How many black metalheads does it take to change a light bulb?

100. 1 to change the light bulb and the other 99 to complain about how the old light bulb was much better.

How many French horn players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

100, 1 to screw it in and 99 to say how they could do it better.

What do you call 99 bunnies walking forward and they take one step backwards?

A receding hare line.

How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

What has 99 legs and one tooth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What do 1% of racist people do?

They are making clubs like the KKK The other 99% are hidden here making bad jokes

What goes 99-clonk 99-clonk 99-clonk ?

A centipede with a wooden leg !

How many black metalheads does it take to change a light bulb?

100. 1 to change the light bulb and the other 99 to complain about how the old light bulb was much better.

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Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

Why did you leave your last job?

I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

Talk Jokes More Talk Jokes

What would a piggy-bank say if it could talk?

Coink! Coink!

What is the best way to talk to a vampire?

By long distance.

Bathtub Jokes More Bathtub Jokes

What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

What the difference between a nun in a bathtub & a nurse in the bathtub?

One has soul full of hope & one has a hole full of soap... I'll walk myself out, sorry first post here

Pile Jokes More Pile Jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves?

Rustle

What's the difference between a million dollar car and a pile of dead babies?

There's no million dollar car in my garage.

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many engineers do you need to change a lightbulb ?

You can take as many as you want but they will only give you the screwing direction.

How many communists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One guy to screw in the light bulb, and the other guy to shoot him if he doesn't do it right.

Sarah Jokes More Sarah Jokes

Where did little Sarah go after the bombings?

Everywhere

Why did Sarah fall of the swing ?

Q: Why did Sarah fall of the swing ? A: Because she has no arms. Q:Who's there ? A:Not Sarah.

Buck Jokes More Buck Jokes

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck 'n ear

What's the difference between Beernuts and Deernuts?

Beernuts are $8.95 and Deernuts are under a buck!

Dubstep Fan Jokes More Dubstep Fan Jokes

How many dubstep fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wuh-wuh-wuh-one.

How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?

One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.