Screw Jokes

Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school. It's one of my first dirty jokes)

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Men can be Feminists, too.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs and infinity pools.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fish

What has 90 balls and screws old women?

Bingo!

How many Greek Catholic monks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

a Basilian.

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to take credit for it.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

How many cops does it take the screw in a lightbulb?

The same number it takes to screw public confidence in law enforcement

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just shoot the room for being black.

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!

How many clergymen does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Amen.

How many boring guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One

How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

removed

How many twists does a feminist need to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just grab it and the world to revolve around them.

How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A lot, apparently. Have you seen their new building?

How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One....Two...One, Two...

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins

How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb?

Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.

What two words result in the most marriages?

Screw it. EDIT: has a better answer lol

How many activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because they can't change anything.

How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nun.

How long does it take Han Solo to screw in a light bulb?

less than twelve parsecs.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One? Or two? One? .... Or two?

How many Jersey girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. They'll screw anything

How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sorry comments are unavailable on this joke.

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?

How many Sandpeople does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You never can tell. The Sandpeople always ride in single file to hide their numbers.

How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?

He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

How many mitochondria does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they're the powerhouse of the cell.

How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh don't worry, they'll let you know.

How many zen buddists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One and not one.

How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb??

Just 1...blondes will screw anything.

How many redditors are needed to screw a lightbulb?

As much people as is needed to screw that lightbulb.

How many blacks does it take to screw in a light blulb?

Three Fifths

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're all screwed.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but they'd have to be really small.

How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb?

One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.

How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them. One to hold the bulb and the rest to screw the world.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but you have to get them in there first.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NINE!

Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?

She is allergic to nuts.

How many South American's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

How many Chernobyl survivors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They already glow.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride a bike?

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Does it even matter? We're all screwed anyway, man."

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Deadheads screw in sleeping bags.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hella.

How many SCPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

DATA EXPUNGED

Why was the Robot angry at the engineer?

Because he screwed his wife!

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.

How many Chinese people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, while the rest were kung fu fighting

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

5. 1 to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to remark on how grand the old one was.

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't need to, they glow in the dark...

How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hella

How Many Feminist does it take to Screw SRSer ?

None, Even Feminist have standarts

How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)

How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but when he unscrews the bulb, the lights go out and your xbox is gone.

How Many Wal-Mart Workers Does it Take to Screw In a Lightbulb?

One to screw in the lightbulb, stock four carts of supplies, and handle seventeen simultaneous customers at any one time for five consecutive hours.

How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know. (Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

All of them.

How many redditors does it take to screw in a new lightbulb?

Zero. Somebody already did it.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

to get to the other side

How many saiyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes five episodes.

How many Latvians does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Is dark. Bulb is potato.

How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.

How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold it in place, another to rotate the universe around it.

Why is it called Justice League of America?

Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes.

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Why don't poor people go to funerals?

They can't afford to pay respects.

What do you call a well respected slave?

A butler.

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What do you call a big trash can?

A dumpster. LOLOLOLOL

How many hobos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dumpsters

Hot Tub Jokes More Hot Tub Jokes

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Stew!

Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub?

So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.

Cop Jokes More Cop Jokes

Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs?

Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there

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What's the most dangerous weapon your wife can get her hands on?

Your credit card.

How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

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