Stab Jokes

What do my brother and Julius Caesar have in common?

They both hate been stabbed

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What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed?

So noone told you knife was gonna be this way?

What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?

A miss stake

Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

What celebrity is most likely to stab you?

James Blunt

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK JERK !!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!

Why did Beethoven hate Mozart?

Because Mozart stabbed him in the Bach.

How was the beach?

You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident?

Is it possible to stab someone non-violently

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How did you get malaria from a stab?

Malaryan Steel."

Where were u on the night of the 3rd?

Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

How are you doing?

and you respond 'I'm doing ok. Getting better each day' & they stab you for answering

What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?

An erection and a place to put it.

What do you call a black guy who was stabbed by a Mexican?

An ambulance.

Why is he bleeding "Because you stabbed him?

FAIL "Because he doesn't floss" CORRECT!

Where were u on the nite of the 5th?

Stabbing a guy. "Louder for the tape." leans in Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

What do you get when you stab a toddler with a pair of scissors?

An erection.

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How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.

How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

Shut Jokes More Shut Jokes

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

Babe, it's a valve!"

Way Jokes More Way Jokes

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

Anne hath a way."

37 Jokes More 37 Jokes

What do you get if you cross a 20-year-old man, and 37 steak knives?

25 years in prison

What do you tell a woman that has 37 stab wounds?

Nothing, you already told her 37 times.

Lung Jokes More Lung Jokes

What did the slaughterhouse foreman say when he found out his best butcher had his heart, lungs and kidneys ripped out in a cutter accident?

That's offal

What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?

A miss stake

Gift Jokes More Gift Jokes

Why doesn't Santa give gifts to naughty kids?

Because it'd Krampus style.

Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car ?

Because she'd never be able to learn the language

Stupid Question Jokes More Stupid Question Jokes

Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking

How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Change it to what

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even?

my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.

What laxative did the constipated man ask for?

Poop-ease