Officer Jokes

What do you call a pig sitting on a hog?

Usually they prefer to be called "officer"

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What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook?

I just booked a cook for cooking the books."

What's the worst way to convince an officer who's pulled you over not to ticket you?

You can have my beer if you let me go."

How about now?

Officer -Sir, get out of the car.

How have you got that body?

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the boot and there she was."

Why did you ticket the computer?

Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

Why are you putting handcuffs on that building?

Officer: I'm making a house arrest

Why did you arrest that doctor?

Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

How high are you! ?

demanded the officer. "No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you "." replied the kid.

What do you call a violent white man?

Officer

What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?

Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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How is a woman who got her winter coat at Target similar to an officer on leave?

They both got their fur low.

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?

Officer on doody.

What's the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.

Why, what happened, officer?

He wasn't white and that wasn't right, we found he was black, and that was whack, so we shot him in the back.

What's this ticket, officer?

Loitering "I didn't drop trash" - No. Loitering. "You talk funny" - It's not- "I'm putting this on Twoiter"

Who drives it?

The officer.

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

Why did you tie a rope on that criminal?

Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.

Why could the drunk man only move left?

The officer hadn't read him his rights.

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

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What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

Because I saw so."

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

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What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska?

An optical Aleutian.

What's the difference between a frog and a cat?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

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Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?

They're all about force projection.

How to you tell a naval officer from and RAF officer on an aircraft carrier?

The naval officer is trying to feed bread to the helicopters!

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Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids?

Because she married Mr. Softy!

What do you call it when a video game character gets hair on his body?

Q*berty. (my kids wrote this!)

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What happens when you shoot a black man?

You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...

How do you describe a hierarchy of police officers with only one word?

Police police police police police police police police police police police.

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When is the best time to raise money?

When there's a stripper in front of you.

What percentage of police officers are strippers and what percentage of strippers are police officers?

I'm confused.

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What's the difference between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson?

Only one of them knows how to dodge a bullet.

What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown?

Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet

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What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?

They think long and hard before they touch weiner.

What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"