Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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Truck Jokes More Truck Jokes

Which is the quickest way to reach the hospital?

Bernard pushed him under a truck...

How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. No two. No... How many do we have on the truck

Bob Jokes More Bob Jokes

What do you call... ...a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob

What do you call a Quadriplegic in the ocean?

Bob. *I'm so sorry*

Dad Jokes More Dad Jokes

Who was that coughing in the background?

Me : Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss

When was Rome built?

Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

Performer Jokes More Performer Jokes

What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

He suffered an elegiac reaction.

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Accountant Jokes More Accountant Jokes

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Why did the accountant cross the street?

To crunch numbers.

Bar Jokes More Bar Jokes

How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

He was hammered.

Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican?

Under a bar of soap.

Mathematician Jokes More Mathematician Jokes

What do you get a mathematician for his stag night?

A parallelogram.

What is a Mathematician specializing in absolute numbers called?

A Sith.

Pyramid Scheme Jokes More Pyramid Scheme Jokes

How did the Egyptian go broke?

He got caught up in a pyramid scheme.

What did Pythagoras say about the pyramid scheme?

He just couldn't find the guys angle!