Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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How do mathematicians solve constipation?

They just work it out with a pencil!

Why did the gamer and mathematician cross the road?

To get to 10.

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

Why do most blind folks not skydive?

The sound of the dog screaming at 8000 feet gets to you after a while.

What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog?

Out, out, damned Spot!

Stay Jokes More Stay Jokes

Whos there Ellen Ellen who?

Ellen Pao Oh k lol stay out.

What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?

Afresh air freak.

Thanksgive Jokes More Thanksgive Jokes

Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

Why don't you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner?

Because it'll gobble up everything.

Retirement Jokes More Retirement Jokes

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement?

A 401(K-9).

How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement?

Collecting stocks and bonds.

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?

Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

Live Jokes More Live Jokes

Why don't married men live as long as single men?

They don't want to!

Why are women bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to all their lives about how long "8" inches is.

Plastic Jokes More Plastic Jokes

Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store?

Because baggers can't be choosers,

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a newspaper bag?

One is made of plastic and poses a suffocation hazard to small children. The other one contains newspapers.