Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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Bob Builder Jokes More Bob Builder Jokes

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

How do you call Bob the Builder when he is unemployed?

Bob

Pyramid Scheme Jokes More Pyramid Scheme Jokes

What did the sphinx say?

What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme Egypt me!

Why did the pharaoh retire?

Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme

Drive Jokes More Drive Jokes

What did Kurtis Blow tell his son when teaching him how to drive?

THESE are the brakes!

When I see a "How am I driving?

sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Stay Jokes More Stay Jokes

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.

How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

Bernie Sanders Jokes More Bernie Sanders Jokes

What is Bernie Sanders' LEAST favorite band?

SWV (sisters with voices)

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

Run Jokes More Run Jokes

Why can't you run in a camp ground?

You can only 'ran' it's past tents.

Why couldn't cinderella play soccer?

She always ran away from the ball

Plastic Jokes More Plastic Jokes

What do you call a humpless camel covered in plastic?

Llamanated

What do you call the piece of plastic behind the windshield in an Iraqi car?

A Daeshboard

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

How to scare parents?

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay?

Because it was a freight!