Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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Performer Jokes More Performer Jokes

What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

He suffered an elegiac reaction.

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Pyramid Scheme Jokes More Pyramid Scheme Jokes

What did Pythagoras say about the pyramid scheme?

He just couldn't find the guys angle!

Why did the pharaoh retire?

Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme

Driver Jokes More Driver Jokes

What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?

Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.

Why should you never sit at the top deck of a double decker bus?

Because there is no driver up there.

Source Jokes More Source Jokes

Whats the difference between a genie and a genius?

A genie grants wishes, while a genius wishes for grants.

How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.

Isis Jokes More Isis Jokes

Why do ISIS fighters avoid Montreal restaurants?

because they serve Poutine.

What will the ISIS be called when we eventually destroy them?

WASWAS.

Truck Jokes More Truck Jokes

Which is the quickest way to reach the hospital?

Bernard pushed him under a truck...

How much does a truck made of light weigh?

Photons

Thanksgive Jokes More Thanksgive Jokes

What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Save Jokes More Save Jokes

What's the difference between Joe Paterno and Harambe?

Harambe tried to save the kids.

Why was Simba unable to save his dad in the Lion King?

He couldnt Mufasa enough.