Dad Jokes

My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!

What do Kim Kardashian and her dad have in common?

They both got famous for getting a black man off.

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.

What do you call an Ent prince who betrays his dad?

Treason

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Where's the best place to hide an elephant?

Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?

How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon?

The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK

Whats the best part about dating a black girl?

You rarely have to meet their dad.

Where can you meet horny girls?

Dad! For the umpteenth time there are NO horny girls in this world... Unless they're lesbians.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a mexican with two dads?

No mames!

What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store?

Baghdad

What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?

Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.

What is the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer came back

What do you call a dad without jeans?

A potato.

What did the baby computer call his dad?

Data!

How many dads does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to put it in and one to complain that he never screws anything anymore.

What did Simba say to his dad when he was moving too slow?

Mufasa!

What do you call an Asian prize fighter who's dad has a serious case of diarrhea?

A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy

What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?

Rastafriedrice

Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad?

Because he's a transparent. Apologies if I could've worded it different.

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

What does a National Geographic magazine or a JC Penney catalog have in common?

Sorry, the punchline is the joke. If you don't get it, ask your dad.

Who was Michael Jackson?

Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?

Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?

From the looks of it, your dad won

Why do Kenyans always win marathons?

At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-

What is the magic word?

son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case

Where am I?

Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing."

What's something white people can call other white people but black people can't call other black people?

Dad.

What do all my friends and my dad have in common?

i didnt have either growing up

Why dad?

he asks. Because my arm is getting tired

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

What did the redneck say when she lost her virginity?

GET OFF ME DAD, you're crushing my cigarettes!

What did the bicycle call its dad?

Pop-cycle

Why did the Dad divorce his wife after she named their son?

She named him Oedipus.

Why did the dad say the joke instead of act it out?

Because it was cheesier said than done.

How's my dad?

Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"

Why are you always tired, Dad?

my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

What does your Dad sell ?

Ed: Salt. Ned: Well my dad is a salt seller too. Ed: Shake.

Why do you smell like weed?

Me: How do you know what weed smells like ! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people?

Dad.

What's a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

How do you hold a pirate rabbit?

With its buccaneers!

What's the worst thing about owning a console?

Memories of your dad leaving you are in 30fps

Why is Simba an orphan?

A: Because his dad couldn't Mufasa 'nuff

What are we supposed to do about it?

Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."

Who is the coolest guy in a hospital. The ultra sound guy. Whos the coolest when he is off?

The hip replacement guy. /dad

When was Rome built?

Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

When he grow up, he will ask me, "Dad, did you name me after a planet?

And i will be like, "No:("

Why'd you name me Carson, dad?

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.

What's the cheapest present for an ophan?

A tattoo with dad

How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

What did they sew you up with?

My Dad laughing so hard - as he said "That's not funny!" Cat Gut

Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place?

Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold?

The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) No I am not a dad

How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton

What is closer the moon or London?

To what the dad responds all serious: Do you see London from here

What does the caller ID say?

Mom: It's a private caller. Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

Why are your nails painted two different colors?

Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it

Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?

We're raising mashed potatoes.

How hard is it to find cigarettes?

Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now

When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.

What does A&ampW stand for?

Amburgers &amp Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

What's the difference between my bike and your mom?

Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.

What did the dad say when his daughter gave him gravel for his birthday?

Thanks for sediments

What do my dad and God have in common?

I've never seen or heard from either of them.

What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

Mom and Dad.

Who do women produce milk for?

The baby and the dad.

What is it son?

Son: Boys are gathering into our yard! Dad: ...How many boys Son: All of them... Dad: MY MILKSHAKES!

What's the difference between a boy and a girl?

His dad answers, "Well, there's a vas deferens!"

What has four legs but isn't alive?

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

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